Turkey Memorial ServiceWritten by Harry-Topper
A church filled with turkeys are all gathered around. A turkey in a reverend's robes stands before the altar.
TURKEY PRIEST: Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here to remember our dearly-departed loved ones.
As the turkey priest talks, an envisionment of turkeys enter a slaughterhouse.
TURKEY PRIEST: Oh, woe, we cry! For our dear brethren were led to the slaughterhouse to be sacrficed by the one man...Bernard Matthews.
As he says this, Bernard Matthews pops out of nowhere.
BERNARD MATHEWS: Bootiful!
We see another envisionment as now dead turkeys are plucked and stuffed.
TURKEY PRIEST: After sacrifice, we are then plucked, stuffed and castrated.
A family prepare a turkey for Christmas dinner.
TURKEY PRIEST: Whosoever buyeth our remains, we are wrapped in silver foil and the very daylights out of what's left of us are grilled!
The family are eating the turkey.
TURKEY PRIEST: E
A Christmas Commercial19th Century London, as portrayed by Charles Dickens; a cheerful old man in a top-hat and long coat is walking down the street.
NARRATOR: Ebeneezer Scrooge was miserly to begin with, but he had gone through a change of heart since. He had been kind and loving than ever.
As Scrooge approaches his house...
NARRATOR: But alas, old Scrooge could not stand the advertising of the festive season, for he was the only one who believed in the true spirit of Christmas.
Scrooge is sitting in his armchair wearing his dressing gown and night cap.
NARRATOR: That one fateful night on Christmas Eve, Jacob Marley would once again come to call.
The ghost of Jacob Marley appears before Scrooge.
SCROOGE: Marley? Why do you return?
MARLEY: Scrooge...you are doomed.
SCROOGE: No...no! I can't be! I'm reformed! I'm a changed man, Marley! I enjoy Christmas now-!
MARLEY: We know that, Scrooge, but there is more...
How Jesus Saved ChristmasA storybook opens to depict Jesus walking along a dusty road in the desert.
NARRATOR: 'Twas the eve before Christmas and Kwanza and Hannukah too, when Jesus was running an errand or two.
Jesus sees something in the sky.
NARRATOR: To Jesus' surprise, he saw something red and it was flying over his head.
Santa's sleigh flies over Jesus' head and comes crashing down against a rock.
JESUS: Oh my Dad! Are you alright, Sir?
SANTA: Oh, my neck!
Jesus places his hands around it.
SANTA: Thanks! How did you do it?
GOD: Don't give the game away, son.
JESUS: A magician never reveals his secrets.
GOD: That's a good boy. Extra 20p pocket money on your way!
SANTA: That makes sense.
As Santa steps out of the sleigh, he trips and falls on his back.
SANTA: Aw, damn it!
JESUS: Are you okay?
SANTA: No, I broke my back. You'll have to cover for me.
JESUS: How sh
Keep the Christ in ChristmasA pastor in a suit and white cowboy hat (the Fred Phelps-esque reverend) is sitting in an armchair.
GEORGE: Merry Christmas one 'n' all. Ah'm Reverend George Lynch, and tonight, Ah shall spend an evenin' with you the way Christmas should be.
A random child appears.
BOY: Reverend Lynch, Santa's coming to town!
GEORGE: Santa? Aw, shucks, sonny. Ah reckon ya mean Jesus is coming to town.
BOY: Is Jesus delivering presents?
GEORGE: Yes, he is. Only good kids who never once sinned.
BOY: I stubbed my toe on the coffee table once and used the word God in agony.
Reverend Lynch looks awkwardly at the boy.
GEORGE: Nobody ever takes the name of the Lord in vain.
CAMERAMAN (VOICE): Dad, he didn't mean to. It was an accident.
GEORGE: But he is responsible for what he said. For that, he's going to Hell.
BOY: Hell? What's it like?
Reverend Lynch is then walking past a white snowman.
GEORGE: Oh Lord
It's a (NOT-SO) Wonderful LifeA depressed-looking man is standing by a bridge contemplating suicide. Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life appears.
CLARENCE: Are you sure you want to go through with this, my good man?
MAN: What do you know? My life has been hell, my wife left me with my kids who she promised me access to but that bitch never did, my business went bankrupt, and worst of all, my father left home when I was eight, leaving me with my alcoholic mother.
CLARENCE: I'm very sorry to hear that.
MAN: No, you never did anything...I did!
The man climbs over the wall.
MAN: My only crime was my miserable existence in this God-forsaken world!
Clarence stops him.
CLARENCE: Now, hold on a minute, dear fellow.
MAN: Why the hell should I?
CLARENCE: I'll give you a reason why; just think what everybody's lives would be like without you...
Clarence and the man go on a journey. The man's (ex)-wife is a supermodel and pin-up girl. The man's bus
I Told You He Was RealSUBTITLE: 1980
A young boy is hanging up his stockings.
MOTHER: Okay, son. It's time for bed.
BOY: Okay, Mom.
MOTHER: Santa Claus is coming to call pretty soon.
The boy runs upstairs to brush his teeth and to bed. The mother looks worried.
MOTHER: Y'know, dear, I don't know how long we can keep up this charade.
FATHER: He'll soon find out one day.
SUBTITLE: TWENTY YEARS LATER...
The couple are walking down a hospital ward along with a doctor.
DOCTOR: Your son is doing fine. He has been taking his meds, although he still continues to push reality at the back of his mind.
The couple see their son, now an adult, in a straight-jacket and a creepy smile on his face.
MAN: Santa's coming to town! I know he is!
DOCTOR: Yes, he is. *turns to the man's parents* (WHISPERS) No, he's not.
Rambo ClausA department store Santa sits on a throne in a shopping centre. A line of children are waiting their turn.
SANTA: Ho - ho -ho! Who's next?
A little girl hops onto Santa's lap.
SANTA: Oof! Careful there, li'l girl! Santa took a hit of shrapnel in his left thigh in 'Nam back in '72.
GIRL: Vietnam? That's where my grandpa went to war! He's got like these stories about Vietnam and fighting and stuff. Did they have Christmas there?
Flashback to the war in Vietnam; soldiers are getting killed as Santa (actually the war veteran in his Santa costume) flies his sleight over the jungle.
VIETNAM SOLDIER: (SUBTITLED) Shoot it down, whatever it is!
A bazooka rocket is launched and hits Santa's sleigh. The sleigh crashes as Santa gets out alive with a parachute. He avoids the soldiers and looks around for a weapon. He finds a large present with the name on the lable: SCHWARZENEGGER, ARNOLD.
SANTA: Sorry, Arnie. I'll
St Giles Choral Comprehensive Carol ServiceA classic English church; in it is a man dressed in Vicar's clothes along with a group of choir boys.
MORGAN: Hello and good evening. I'm Reverend Dai Morgan and you are about hear our carol service like never before. We have featured this single by uploading it onto YouTube which has gained over 4000 views and likes. And now, live from St Giles, we bring to you our Christmas medley.
The reverend turns to his students and begins to conduct.
So, here it is
Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun
Look to the future now
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
I wish it could be Christmas every day
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
Simply having a wonderful Christmas time!
We're simply having a wonderful Christmas time!
Rocking around the Christmas Tree
Have a happy holiday
Everyone's dancing merrily
In the new old fashioned way!
Merry Xmas Everybody - Slade
Santa Claus is Coming to T
Santa Claus: The Video GameWritten by Harry-Topper
8-bit syle footage of Santa Claus flying his sleigh and running over zombies and people.
ANNOUNCER: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Santa Claus: The Video Game!
8-bit style Santa fights the Krampus demon.
ANNOUNCER: Bad Dude Krampus is turnin' folks into zombies and ya gotta help 'em!
8-bit style Santa runs around shooting and jumping.
ANNOUNCER: Run, shoot, blow crap up and collect radical magical items along the way!
8-bit style Santa opens a treasure chest with a pixel version of gingerbread. A text-box above reads "YOU GOT GINGERBREAD".
A cover of the game appears against an exploding background.
ANNOUNCER: Santa Claus: The Video Game! Rated E for everyone.
Cut to an epilogue screen: SANTA CLAUS: THE VIDEO GAME WAS ONLY RENTED ONCE FROM GAME. THE COPY WAS RETURNED SIX HOURS LATER.
I hope you'll look forward to seeing those sketches. However, if anyone of you would like to collab with me on this (illustrating the sketches or add in your own skits which I don't mind), please do so ask as I will credit you at the finale where you will make an appearance. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Merry Happy Whatever to you, too.