HOW THE MIKE STOLE CHRISTMAS
Based on 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr Seuss
DISCLAIMER: This is a fan-based work and has nothing to with and/or affiliated with the works of Dr Seuss.
Adapted by MIKE JENNER-JONES
Opening shot of a small town - Geekville.
NARRATOR: Every geek down in Geekville liked Christmas a lot...
Shot cuts to Mike standing on a cliff looking down at Geekville.
NARRATOR: ...but the Mike, who lived just north of Geekville, did not.
Mike turns to the narrator, breaking the fourth wall.
MIKE: What? Yes, I do.
NARRATOR: No, you don't.
MIKE: Yes, I do! I love Christmas.
NARRATOR: Look, this is just a story, okay? Please just work with me.
MIKE: Well, alright. *mock anger* Bah, Christmas sucks! This thing should be outlawed. I hate it! *normal* Was that alright?
NARRATOR: That's fine.
Mike looks on down at the town.
NARRATOR: He stood there from his cave with a sour Mikey frown- Ahem!
MIKE: Let me guess - a frown? Alright, here it comes, but if the wind changes, I'll hold you responsible. *makes the biggest frown on his face, almost cartoon-like*
NARRATOR: He stood there from his cave with a sour Mikey frown at the warm-lit windows below in the town.
MIKE: It looks kinda nice down there. Sort of...picture postcard-esque.
MIKE: Christmas...a time when collectibles come rolling round the corner, either that or my name is Little Jack Horner. Funko's new ReAction Figures, that's really neat! I mean, hey, even retrospective is awesome, marvellous, far-out and sweet! But allow me please to take a chance as I explore and review Kenner's Butch & Sundance.
Without these figures, there'd be no Indiana Jones, otherwise Kenner would've broken the camel's back as well as it's bones.
Quick-draw action figures are a neat concept! Whosoever dismiss the idea is thought to be totally inept!
The guns fit in the holsters, that's something new; why even bending knees mean they can sit on horses, too!
Now, as for guns that fit in the holsters, the pistols are half-plastic/half-rubber, but to not include this convenient feature in some of the Star Wars figures would make me blubber.
The Real West was Kenner's attempt to rebrand the line despite the film being a commercial flop, but all the same, this figure series in my opinion would still be on top!
Speaking of horses, who could ever forget?
Kenner's Indiana Jones line is the second-best yet!
Without Butch & Sundance, there'd be no Indy, and then Kenner wouldn't be a Lucky Lindy.
The Well of Souls looks kinda groovy because Kenner did its best to recreate it from the movie.
Again, with the articulated knees and the quick-draw feature too, it's reminiscent of Butch & Sundance, who knew?
Harrison Ford's likeness in 3 3/4 inch scale is no surprise, it's somewhat a close-win and not a fail.
Why, I'm surprised that Kenner had the chance to reuse the same horse mold from Butch and Sundance.
Anybody should not be a stranger to Gabriel's The Legend of the Lone Ranger.
Sure the movie was considered bad, but the figures and horses were rad!
Butch Cavendish as portrayed by Christopher Lloyd in figure form leaves me overjoyed.
You've got other figures like Buffalo Bill and General Custer both of whom based on actual Old West figures should I muster.
It would really flip my lid if they made figures of Jesse James and Billy the Kid.
Three of the figures in the line have their own horse - The Lone Ranger has Silver, Tonto has Scout and Butch has Smoke, of course.
Just imagine all the kids' reactions on Christmas morning when Max Rebo and his Band should've come as a warning...
Don't get me started on The Black Hole, because to those figures, I'd take a javelin pole.
The figures of today have a lot of detail as well as what classic figures lacked and what rendered some as an epic fail.
I can hear all the memorable themes from films and TV shows that all the fans sing and they probably will when the Christmas bells ring.
And they'd sing, and they'd sing, and they'd sing, sing, SING, SING, SING! *inhales, then exhales*
NARRATOR: And the more the Mike thought of this whole Christmas sing, the more the Mike thought...
MIKE: I must end this whole thing! I've put up with it long enough, now! I must find a way to stop Christmas coming...but how?
NARRATOR: Then he got an idea...an awful idea...a downright, awful, terrible, rotten, no-good bad idea. The Mike got a wonderful, awful, terrible, rotten, horrible, no-good bad idea!
MIKE: I know just what to do.
Mike makes a Father Christmas hat and coat.
NARRATOR: And with a laugh in his throat, he made himself a quick Santa Claus hat and coat. He chuckled and clucked at this clever Mikey trick...
He is now wearing the coat and hat.
MIKE: With this coat and hat, I look just old St. Nick! While all the geeks are asleep tonight, they're all in for a classic treat alright!
The 'Mr Mike' song is a pastiche of 'You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch' from the original holiday special. The song plays during Mike as he readies himself, packs the slay with vintage action figures and sets off.
You're a sly one, Mr Mike
You're nothing but a dope
You're as cunning as a Tory and you move faster than wet soap
Mr Mike, Mr Mike
*spoken* Now, talking about that bar of soap, the best kind some would be...
*sung* ...the ones tied on a rope!
Mike arrives in the town of Geekville.
NARRATOR: Then the sleigh started down and headed toward the town. All the geeks were asleep and dreaming without a care, and that's when the Mike came to the first house on the square.
MIKE: Shh! *whispers* Hey! I'm surprised to keep a low profile! In this story, I'm robbing Christmas, but how can I do that when you talk so loud?
NARRATOR: *whispers* Oh, I'm sorry. All the geeks were asleep and dreaming without a care, and that's when the Mike came to the first house on the square.
MIKE: *whispers* This'll be my first stop, I think.
NARRATOR: The Fraudster Father Christmas hissed, and then he climbed up the chimney with bags of vintage figures in his fist. He climbed right down it despite his fear of getting stuck, but because he lost a lot of weight and worked out a lot, he thanked his lucky stars and even Lady Luck.
Mike slides down the chimney and lands with a thud.
NARRATOR: Then he stuck out his head through all the stockings hung out on the fireplace in a row.
MIKE: These stockings...
NARRATOR: He grinned.
MIKE: ...are the first things to go.
He yanks them off their hooks and stuffs them into his sack. He is then seen slithering like a serpent around the floors of every house and home.
NARRATOR: Then he slithered and slunk so silent and swift, around every house and home, he took every single gift. He took all the new action figures that would make kids happy, and then replaced them with ones that looked almost crappy.
Battlestar Galactica, Buck Rogers, Star Trek: The Motion Picture, G.I. Joe... Oh, the list never ends!
MIKE: Star Wars...one of the greatest motion pictures of all time, but to make slight similarities to it would be the ultimate crime.
Battelstar Galactica, a good show which spawned a lot of merchandise at its time...despite the infamous firing missiles which according to toy safety standards back then was the ultimate crime.
They can be hard to stand up properly as you look under the feet. Maybe some peg-holes would've helped? Yes, that would be neat.
The characters are almost spot-on, they're not so bad, but it's the lack of eyes that makes me sad. No eyes, no eyes! That's no surprise!
The guns are the same and also the capes, too (Starbuck's cape is brown while Adama's cape is blue).
Anybody would be a real dork should they fail to notice the same body sculpt re-used for the figure of Mork.
The Colonial vehicles are very neat. Why, three vehicles in one is value for money and that idea can't be beat.
Those evil, nasty Cylons, articulated by the neck and arms, have none on the legs but only the waist, so they wouldn't do much harm. Just imagine these figures in a marathon, fun-run or running race; they'd surely lose easily. What a disgrace.
Then again, I shouldn't complain - but why did they only release articulated Cylons with the Cylon Raider vehicles? That perplexes my brain. I doubt if this version could hold a gun, because an INACTION figure is no fun.
Doctor Who (the classic series, I mean) was something I may not always be keen.
What interested me in it were the figures from DAPOL, a model railway company, when the fire in 1994 did take such a toll.
Only three of the seven Doctors were made (I'm thinking 1st, 2nd, 5th and 6th didn't make the grade).
Only two of the companions were produced - Mel and Ace. Without them, you wouldn't get far in space.
The TARDIS playset strikes me with awe, but the motor sounds close to a dremel crossed with a chainsaw!
The dreaded Daleks with the feature being pull back and go. That is something I can't say no.
But by the new millennium, it all went sad - seeing these non-articulated chess pieces and that itself is a move so bad.
The song 'Mr Mike' is brought up again as we cut to a montage of Mike stealing the presents and stuff and replacing them with outdated stuff.
You're a crafty one, Mr Mike
You've got rattlesnakes in your throat
You're a bleeding madcap looney and crazier like a stoat
Mr Mike, Mr Mike
*spoken* Of all the choices on my list, I'd stick with...
*sung* ...the crazy, looney stoat!
We'll see how they like Buck Rogers, unless you're familiar with it or living with lodgers.
The figures are all nicely detailed, but the guns are still sculpted into the holster, which unfortunately makes it a real fail.
The scale's 3 3/4 appropriate, but so, the articulation is sub-G.I. Joe.
The figures were all made by MEGO, and based on both the film and TV show.
But unfortunately, they all had no accessories - oh, what a blow!
Articulated arms, legs, knees and elbows was an all-new thing, but still compared to G.I. Joe as they were also held by the new O-Ring.
Then we've got Star Trek III, but what happened to Star Trek II? Were we standing on it? Nobody knew.
The sad truth it was short-lived because it didn't do so well - no wonder they didn't much sell.
These were made by ERTL which is strange, a company that also makes die-cast models in their range. They went on to make some vehicles from Postman Pat as well as Jupiter from Fireman Sam, I knew that.
And no, I have not forgotten the early models of Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends - it's no wonder the list never ends!
The song 'Mr Mike' reprises as Mike finishes his work and prepares to leave with his swag. The song still plays as he makes his way back up to the cave.
You're a twisted one, Mr Mike
You're the odd one in the flock
You're so wicked and psychotic and you make love with a sock
Mr Mike, Mr Mike
*spoken* Three simple words that best describe both your trend-senses and your personality are as follows and I quote...
*sung* Tick! Tack! Tock!
Christmas morning. The sun rises over the distance.
NARRATOR: It was already Christmas morning as the sun began to rise, but far away in the distance, the Mike listened in on their surprise.
MIKE: This is it...the big moment. I know just what they'll do. They'll all remain clueless, maybe feel so down and blue... Their Christmas will be in the dumps, those chumps...
Mike puts his hand to his ear and listens in carefully.
NARRATOR: And so, the Mike listened eagerly, then he began to hear their sounds growing fast, first there was aghast...but then, reactions of awe, fascination and more. Then, it grew to laughter. He hadn't ruined Christmas - it came, just like every other year, just all the same.
Mike stands with his feet in the snow with a scowl on his face.
NARRATOR: The Mike stood with his feet ice cold in the snow, puzzling and puzzling...
MIKE: I don't get it. How can this be so? It came with Indiana Jones. It came with the Lone Ranger and Tonto. It came with Boba Fett, Periscope R2-D2 and Take-Apart C-3PO! Somebody tell me this cannot be true! It came with MEGO Star Trek, Hasbro's early G.I. Joe and DAPOL Doctor Who!
The angry look goes away from his face. It then changes to a smile.
NARRATOR: And he puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore, then the Mike thought of something he hadn't before... Yeah, there's more to vintage action figures whether or not they came from a store. Vintage action figures mean something more...much more.
He drives the sleigh back down to Geekville. He is seen returning all the merchandise and goods to everybody with a smile on his face.
NARRATOR: And without a single word, he rode back to Geekville, to all the girls and boys. He brought back all the presents, all their games and all their toys. Both the then and the now, the old and the new, he returned every single one of them, too. From the awesome and cool to the far-out and old-school. Yes, he brought every single one of them back, as well as all the stuff for the feast, and he, yes, he himself, the Mike, unboxed the Rancor beast.
Mike is seen recreating a diorama of the Rancor Pit scene from Return of the Jedi with Luke and the Rancor figure.
Final shot: Geekville. We pull out, slowly.
Welcome, Christmas, bring us your cheer to all the fans and geeks far and near.
Give us retrospective come the new year.
Welcome, Christmas, while we find some vintage stuff left far behind.
Welcome, Christmas, as we say, let's discover some classic stuff today.